Incomplete
by ElvishGrrl
Summary: One of the consequences of Elena's transition is remembering the times she's been compelled and she soon realizes there are a whole lot more than just Damon's. The ramifications of all these resurfacing memories make her rethink her past choices and what she wants going forward. And a startling realization of who she wants.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** _This is another story that I got the seed of an idea for back in September, wrote a page or two, then abandoned it as I didn't think I could write for this couple anymore. This takes place after 3.22 but you need to forget S4 and pretend it started this way instead. Got it? Thanks! I'd love to know what you think, so please review. It really helps me with my writing to know your opinion. Oh yeah, and this story is rated M for a reason, but not for a few more chapters yet. ;)_

_Special thanks for the research help to Inthisskin22x, proofreading help to morvamp and general opinion to lauren3210. These ladies have been invaluable to me. Love you guys!_

***DISCLAIMER*** _I do **NOT** own Vampire Diaries or the characters associated with Vampire Diaries. S3 would have gone a lot differently after "Our Town" if I did. And don't even get me started on S4. Enough said. Oh and no copyright infringement intended._

* * *

**INCOMPLETE**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

Swirling thoughts in my head. Conflicting memories overlapping, doing battle to see which one will be more real than what I used to think was real.

They keep coming at me, when I least expect it. When I'm alone, minding my own business, they attack me. Overwhelm me.

I'm starting to not be sure anymore of what's actually happening to me now and what's a resurfacing memory. Long buried. Maybe they should have stayed buried.

Why did they all have to mess with my head? Why me?

Damn vampires. _God_. _I_ did this – I did this to my own brother. I had Damon remove his memories. Twice. I am as bad as they are. I am the same as they are.

I don't know what I am anymore. Who I am.

My brain is turning to mush.

* * *

It started a few days ago. (It started a few years ago.) Curled up in a ball in my bed. Jeremy staying at Matt's (staying away from me.) Blessedly all alone for the first time since It happened. Trying not to break. Wishing I would just break.

Then Damon was in my room. He was handing me my necklace back. Which threw me for a loop, since it really didn't matter anymore, but the words that came out of my mouth weren't the question I was planning to ask. I could only listen to myself, to him. Feel his lips on my forehead. See his single tear. My heart was pounding.

Then I blinked and he was gone. Only he wasn't. He was leaning against my doorframe, silently watching me.

I was confused, touched, annoyed. I was a lot of things. He just stood there, drinking me in, like he always does.

"Why?" I asked him. The words I'd just heard him speak had made very little sense based on where we were now.

"Why what?"

I had tried to be understanding, in light of what he'd just said to me. Tried to bury all my conflicting feelings. It was much harder than it used to be. And it had never been easy.

"Why do I have to forget? It's no big secret. You've told me before."

He just stared at me, dark brows drawn in tight. Perplexed, but only for a moment. Then he laughed bitterly.

"Oh. You remembered. Surprised it took you this long."

"Remembered?" At first I had no clue what he meant.

Then suddenly I did.

Annoyance launched to the forefront of my tumbling emotions (like it always does, with him.) My inner bitch just jumped right out to play. She controls my mouth like a puppet-master, sometimes.

"You _compelled_ me!" Yep, there she was. Yelling at him. Again.

There were other more indignant accusations. He just stood there and took them. Didn't offer any explanation. Didn't say a word actually. Then he left.

I haven't seen him since.

* * *

Other things are seeping back.

Like Stefan. He did it, too.

Turns out they've both kept things from me. Stolen time from me. Brainwashed me.

So far nothing offensive or intrusive, but that's not the point. They messed with my mind, took away memories of them. And to what end?

Because I looked like _her_? I don't get it.

It changes everything, yet it changes nothing.

I went for a long run out to Wickery Bridge today. Needed to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak. Where It happened (again). It's the first time I've gone back since That Night.

As I stood there leaning over the rail, looking down into the rushing black water where Death tried and failed to grab me twice (well, He succeeded the second time, but only temporarily), I turned to my left and Stefan was beside me.

When I opened my mouth to speak and different words came out, I quickly realized it was another missing memory. I wanted to groan, but couldn't.

_"Do I know you?" I ask him, clearly annoyed at the interruption of my private moment._

_The tall, handsome boy shakes his head. "No, I…you just remind me of someone I used to know."_

_"Oh. Your girlfriend?" The expression on his face at that word confirms my guess is right. He looks sad. For some inexplicable reason, I'm curious. I want to know why._

_"She used to be. It…didn't end well," he mumbles, looking over the concrete barrier and down into the murky depths of the river below._

_"I'm sorry," I offer. I still don't understand why he's here. And he looks really familiar, but I can't quite place why._

_"You're so kind, Elena." He gives me a genuine smile, but I narrow my eyes at him._

_"How do you know my name? I've never met you before in my life…have I?" I ask him, with sudden deep suspicion. One of the nurses at the hospital told me that a young man had been by to see me after the car crash, and her description didn't fit Jeremy or Matt. And I suddenly realize that this boy in front of me has to be the young man she spoke of._

_He grins again, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes this time. "No, but I've seen you around."_

_"Are you stalking me?" I ask bluntly, but I attempt to keep my tone light and teasing, rather than accusatory. I don't think I succeed very well._

_"I wouldn't call it 'stalking'. I just wanted to see you again. Wanted to talk to you." He turns to face me head on and looks deep into my eyes. His are rich green and his pupils dilate as I stare back at him._

_"Elena, I think it would be for the best if you forget you met me today. The timing's not right yet, for us. You never saw me here. You don't know me."_

_I can't look away from him as he speaks. _

Then I blinked, and when I opened my eyes he was gone and I was still standing at the side of the bridge. It was darker now and I understood that my memory of Stefan happened during a brighter part of the day, not a gloomy late afternoon.

I'm getting nervous. I can't help but wonder what else might come back to me and throw me for an unexpected loop. What if I'm driving next time this happens and I lose control? What if I'm chopping vegetables and end up cutting off my finger? Can vampires grow back missing appendages? I actually have no clue.

My phone vibrates, and when I look down at it I see that it's an incoming call from Stefan. I squeeze my eyes closed and sigh in frustration. Now is _so_ not the time. I hit the Ignore button.

I didn't know vampires could get headaches, but currently my brain feels like it's about to implode.

* * *

I haven't seen either Salvatore in a week now. Several messages have been left for me, I just haven't responded to any. I know they're worried about me, and I'll talk to them again – I will – but I'm just not ready yet. More compelled away moments have returned and I'm still puzzling it all together, rearranging my mental timeline of when they happened and trying to make logical sense of things. Right now, very little is making any sense. The overlapping memories and out of sequence-ness of it all makes me dizzy and disoriented whenever I concentrate on working through it. More and more, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

The unmistakable sound of my phone buzzing against the wood of my side table startles me out of my thoughts. Another text. I roll some mental dice to see who I think this one will be from. I pick Bonnie this time, so I reach for it, needing to see if I'm right yet again. So far I've guessed correctly eleven of the last fifteen times, which has made me pretty proud of myself. Do new vampires get precognitive powers, too? I make a mental note to ask about that.

This time I'm wrong, but I'm not disappointed. It's Damon. I know he's been trying not to bother me too much, to maintain the appearance of keeping his distance from me, but I also know how concerned he is and how much it must be killing him to not be able to be here for me right now.

_'You can't hide in your house forever, you know. No point in wearing that new Daylight ring if it's never going to see the sun. Your friends are gonna need to stage an intervention soon. Stefan's brows are so furrowed they might just freeze like that. Call him.'_

I can't help but smile. That's Damon-speak for telling me to get up off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. And the line about Stefan? It's just Damon's deflective way of saying that he's worried about me, without coming right out and saying it, of course.

But I'm still not ready to talk to them. Soon, maybe, but not right now. And I don't know if all my stolen moments have been regained yet. Part of me still thinks there are lingering gaps needing to be filled. Before I decide what to make of it all, I need to be sure I have all the information.

So far I know Stefan met me at least three times before actually 'meeting me' in school that day in the hallway. Each time he decided that it wasn't "right" yet and erased the memory. The third time he even stole a kiss before compelling me to forget. What the hell, right?

Damon met me at least once before he 'officially' met me at the boarding house that afternoon I was looking for his brother, too - mere minutes before the accident that killed my parents and nearly killed me, actually. It was the strangest thing. He thought I was Katherine for about two seconds, then immediately accepted that I wasn't when I told him my name. Which, I guess makes sense, since he thought she was desiccated and trapped in the tomb for the previous 145 years. But it still seemed pretty un-Damon-like for the man he was when he first came back to town. I don't really understand why he let me live that night, why he just compelled me to forget meeting him.

He told me he wanted me to get everything I was looking for.

If only I knew what that was anymore.

* * *

I've spent too much time holed up in my room lately. I haven't been to school since I turned. Don't see the point, really. It would be too dangerous. Dangerous for my classmates and teachers, overwhelming for me. It was an easy decision to just avoid it. Like I've been avoiding most things (and most people) lately.

At around 2:00 this morning I finally got fed up of lying on my bed feeling sad and frustrated, and I snuck out. Well, I walked out. No one else was home to notice anyway. On impulse, I decided it was time to get out of my house, stretch my legs and get some air.

My thoughts were tracing and re-tracing over the reinstated memories. Specifically that one of Damon telling me he didn't deserve me but his brother did. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about that one moment. It played on repeat in my head until his words became nonsensical, but the expression on his face continued to make my heart hurt. Before I knew it, my feet had brought me to the cemetery on the edge of town.

Now I slump to the ground before my parent's tombstone, clenching and unclenching my fingers in the dew-damp grass and wishing with everything in me that they were here to give me support and advice right now.

Mom, Dad, Jenna, John, now Ric is here, too. Every last parental figure in my life is gone -ripped prematurely away from Jeremy and me. And every last one of those deaths is my fault.

I know, I know. There's nothing I can do to bring them back, and there were other extenuating circumstances involved in their deaths, too. It's time for me to stop blaming myself, right? But that's far easier said than done. I should have died the night my parents and I went off Wickery Bridge. And I also should have died the night Matt and I went off that same bridge. The only reason I survived the first time is because Stefan pulled me out. And the second time, by a fluke, I had Damon's blood in my system and, though I did die temporarily, I came back. I was never supposed to come back. I should not be here, taking up space in this world anymore. So, yeah, survivor's guilt? I've got it in spades.

Can a vampire still call themself a survivor?

I hear a female voice say my name and it startles the heck out of me because, well, I'm all alone in a cemetery at nearly 3:00 in the morning. Looking up quickly, I see…Isobel?

No, she can't be here, she's…

Oh, God. Not again.

_"Elena."_

_I look up from writing in my diary to see a woman in a long black trench-coat standing a few feet in front of me. The sunlight glints off her shiny, long brown hair. She's staring at me in a most intense way and it frankly makes me a bit uncomfortable._

_"Do I know you?" I hear myself asking, parroting the very same words to her that I've said to Stefan several times over before he took each memory from me._

_She smiles fondly and shakes her head. "No, you wouldn't. But I know you. I've known you your whole life."_

_I tilt my head to the side and study her, noticing her wide brown eyes and thick hair that's the very same colour as my own. "Are we family?" I guess, knowing instinctively somehow that we must be._

_Laughing, she says, "I always knew you were a bright girl. I'm your mother, Elena."_

_I know she speaks the truth, but the me in the memory is shocked and offended by her ludicrous claim. _

_"No, you're not. My mother is buried right there, below the very stone you're leaning on! How dare you claim to be my mom!" I feel myself rise to my feet in anger, swinging my knapsack over my shoulder to go home and leave this clearly delusional woman – who might or might not be a relative – behind._

_She steps toward me in a flash and tears my necklace from my throat, pocketing it in her jacket even as her fingers begin to sizzle. I understand immediately her vampire nature and freeze in fear, my fight or flight response rendered useless under the oppressive weight of her gaze._

_"Elena, sit down," Isobel commands, and something inside me knows she means business. I drop back to the warm grass immediately, without breaking eye contact._

_"That's better," she says, in a calm, even tone. "I just want to talk to you. I'm not going to hurt you. Okay?"_

_I hear myself reply, "Okay." Clearly the compulsion has already started. I'm aware that the me in this vision is fully under her thrall._

_"You're very beautiful. Just the spitting image of Katherine. Do you know who Katherine is, Elena? Have Damon and Stefan told you about her?"_

_Drawing in a sharp, surprised breath, I say, "You know Stefan and Damon? Who are you?"_

_"I already told you that," she dismisses me. "Answer the question."_

_"Yes, Katherine is the vampire they both used to love. She's trapped in the old tomb." I reply, confusion still evident in my tone._

_"Did they explain that you look exactly like her?"_

_I feel myself nodding numbly._

_"Did Stefan admit that's why he sought you out in the first place? Because you could be her twin? It must drive them crazy every time they look at you. Tell me, how is Damon handling having a mirror image of his beloved around? He's been waiting for Katherine for a very long time, you know."_

_"I know," I breathe. _

_"She knows it, too. Poor boy. He can be so callous sometimes, yet when he falls for someone, he's completely love's bitch. He's waited 145 years to rescue her and she's been out the whole time. She doesn't even want him."_

_I feel my mouth fall open slightly in shock and sudden sympathy for Damon._

_"She doesn't? How can she be so…cruel?" I ask._

_"Katherine only loves herself." Isobel pauses, then she amends her statement. "And Stefan."_

_Gasping, I say, "My Stefan?"_

_"He's not really yours, Elena. Someday you'll understand that. You're just a stand in – the object of his transference. Being with you makes him feel better about his guilt over loving her." She raises one eyebrow at me. "I wonder if you realize you could have both of them, if you wanted. She did." _

_My eyes bug out at that thought and I shake my head wildly. "No! I'd never do that. I am nothing like Katherine!"_

_Isobel walks right up to me until her face is only a foot from my own. She stares deep into my eyes again and I get a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach._

_"I'm concerned, Elena. You hanging out with the Salvatore boys can't possibly end well. I don't want this life for you." She stops speaking abruptly, like she's just decided against telling me what she'd originally intended._

_"I want you to forget you met me today. You sat here, you thought about your parents, you wrote in your diary, then you went home. And your new History teacher, Alaric Saltzman? I want you to know that you can trust him. He'll help you. He's on your side. Got it?"_

_"Got it," I echo back to her, as she tosses my necklace to the ground at my feet._

And, as before, I blink and she's gone and I'm standing in the cemetery in the middle of the night, once again alone. I look around anxiously, half expecting someone, currently or from the past, to be beside me again. I can't help it. At this point I'm having trouble trusting what my senses tell me is real.

And I'm surrounded by ghosts.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** _Thank you so very much to everyone who has reviewed and favourited this story. Huge thanks to morvamp for betaing._

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**Chapter 2**

The next day I wake up late – very late. In fact, it's nearly noon. I think the thump of the front door closing must have jolted me, because I can currently hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I concentrate and detect a strong heartbeat. Human. My brother.

There's a knock on my door about three seconds later. Before I can respond, Jeremy pokes his head into my bedroom.

"Elena, you okay?"

"That depends," I mutter, swinging my legs over the side of my bed and sitting up.

"On what?"

"On what you mean by 'okay'," I sigh.

"Let me rephrase that. You're obviously not okay. Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help? Short of offering myself as lunch, that is." He smiles and steps into my room. Immediately I worry about him getting too close. There's no one around to stop me if my need to feed becomes too much to handle and I attack him.

"Don't come closer, Jer. Just in case," I instruct in a slightly panicky voice, somewhat louder than I'd intended.

"Fine." He drops into my desk chair near the door and swivels it around to face me. "I'm not really much good at heart-to-hearts, but you don't seem to have anyone else right now. Bonnie told me you won't return her calls. Why are you shutting your friends out, Elena? They're all worried about you. And so am I."

"Jer…" I trail off, not sure what to say to him. "I know that. I know you're all worried, and I get it, I really do. I just needed some time to myself this week. It's…it's been a lot to process. More than you can imagine."

"Yeah, I get that. And you're right – I _don't _know exactly what you're going through." He looks uncomfortable and I can tell there's something else on his mind. And just like that I realize that his coming in to see how I am today was instigated by something else. Or, more likely, someone else.

"Who put you up to checking in on me?" I ask with mild annoyance, already suspecting I know the answer.

Jeremy looks a bit surprised at my question, then pretends to be offended. "Who says anybody put me up to it? Can't I just be concerned about my sister?"

"Was it Stefan?" I ask. "It was Stefan, wasn't it?"

"It was Damon, Elena," he confesses. Then he snorts, "Stefan doesn't talk to me unless you're in the room, or if he needs something from me. He knows I don't trust him, and frankly, I can't figure out why you do anymore, either. Damon didn't come right out and say it, but I know he's really worried about you. He gets that you need space, but he wanted me to make sure you were okay."

Of course. Stefan's texts and messages are all about how guilty _he_ feels. Damon's are about how _I'm_ doing.

I close my eyes for a second and listen carefully to the house around me. I can hear the ticking of the antique clock on the shelf in the living room, the hum of the fridge motor and the scratching of tree branches against the master bedroom window. What I _don't_ hear is anything out of the ordinary.

"Is he downstairs right now, Jer?" I ask. As the words leave my mouth I suddenly realize that I honestly want the answer to be 'yes'. Am I actually ready to spend time with Damon again? Am I?

But my brother shakes his head. "No, not downstairs. Probably within earshot I bet, though, just in case." I smile at the thought. I bet he's right. Trust Damon to watch over us all from the shadows.

Jeremy continues, "I think you should go talk to him. To Bonnie and Caroline, too. Tell them what's going on with you. Let them help, if they can. Okay?" The look he gives me shows how concerned he is about me, and I feel ashamed for putting him through all this. It's bad enough that his sister got turned into a vampire, but now I've been shutting him out, too. I'm his only family left. I really need to pull myself together and be around more for him.

"You're right." I nod slowly. "I'll return their calls – I promise. And I'll try to be a better sister, too. You've been staying at Matt's this week, right? Have you eaten anything other than grilled cheese and pizza lately?"

I flash him a teasing grin at that and he smiles back.

"Pretty much. But it wouldn't be any different if I was here, either, unless Damon comes over to make dinner for us, which hasn't happened once since I got back from Denver. Gotta hand it to him - he may be a dick most of the time, but the guy can cook. Maybe you should call him first?" My brother laughs as he gets up to leave, and I realize I haven't heard his laugh in a long while. Since before Ric died, anyway. There's an amused smile on my own face, too, that's been missing for a long time.

Jeremy's final comment was made in jest, but he's right. I do need to talk to my friends. And I need to start with Damon.

* * *

Pulling into the parking lot behind the Mystic Grill, I scan for his blue Camaro, but see no sign of it. I do, however, see Caroline's car. So now I have a choice to make. I could go in and talk to whichever of my friends I find inside. Or I could save that conversation for later and keep looking for Damon.

Turns out, this choice is an easy one to make.

When I park in front of the boarding house ten minutes later, I'm relieved to see that Damon's car is out front but Stefan's is not. Talking to them one at a time is better, I tell myself, as I get out and slowly make my way toward the large wooden front door.

Normally I would just walk in, but this visit feels different for some reason. Do I ring the doorbell or knock? That seems too formal for us, somehow. Before I can make up my mind, the door is pulled open and I'm suddenly face to face with a pair of wary blue eyes.

He scans me up and down before asking, "Were you just gonna stand out there all night? You don't need an invitation here, remember?" He moves to one side and waves me past him into the entryway.

After closing the door, he doesn't spare a glance my way as he heads into the library where his drink is waiting for him. There's a large fire crackling in the fireplace. The smells of the old house wash over me: strongest is the burning wood from the hearth and just below that, the almost bitter aroma of the bourbon in Damon's glass as he raises it to his lips and turns toward me. I can also pick up the subtle waxy scent of the unlit candles on the shelves lining three walls, and the musty, earthy smell of all the ancient books crowding them.

Last, but definitely not least, I can detect the scent of Damon, himself. Before, I had thought he always smelled like a combination of his Armani cologne, expensive leather, and the top-shelf bourbon he so loves to indulge in. Now, I realize that, yes, it _is_ all those things – but it's also so much more.

Damon smells like…like… I don't even know how best to describe it. The closest analogy I can come up with is that it's like the crisp, slightly salty ocean breeze when you've spent a day with your loved ones at the beach, like the sweetest orange, peeled and waiting to be eaten on a hot summer day, like fresh clean air when you've been stuck inside sick for far too long.

How did I never notice this before? I stand there for a moment and just inhale, indulging in as much of it as I can. A hot, tight ball begins to form in the pit of my belly and I feel the skin around my eyes tighten and my gums begin to burn as my canines lengthen.

Clapping one hand over my mouth, I shut my eyes in embarrassment as soon as I realize what's happening. So _this_ is what heightened vampire senses do to me. So _this_ is what the lust part of blood-lust _really_ feels like. Now is _so_ not the time.

At least that's what I'm currently trying to convince myself.

Damon chuckles and my eyelids fly back open. He's standing right in front of me, and he tentatively reaches one finger out to trace the dark veins along the top of my cheek.

"Don't be ashamed, Elena. You're beautiful," he murmurs, looking into my eyes in that strange, intense way that only he can.

I blush and unconsciously take a step back from him. Frowning slightly, he drops his hand, before walking back over to his abandoned bourbon. Pouring a second one, he holds the crystal tumbler out toward me without looking up. "Drink this. It'll help," he assures me.

I know he interprets my embarrassment to my reaction to him, and the fact that I stepped away from him, as another rejection. I know that, and I want to correct him. I want to walk over there right now and correct the heck out of his mistaken assumption. And as soon as I think those thoughts, my fangs erupt again. Damn it! This must be what pre-teen boys feel like. Maybe I should have been more sympathetic to my brother.

What do they always say works in books? Think about boring things? Okay, I can do that. I concentrate on the history project I had been working on for Alaric. Which makes me think about Alaric. And then all thoughts of doing nasty things to and with Damon vanish from my mind as a lump rises into my throat. God, I miss Ric _so_ much. So does Jeremy, and so do all the rest of my friends. But no one misses him more than the man standing in front of me right now. I've been wallowing in my own pain and issues and haven't given one thought to what Damon must be going through. Not only have I been a crappy sister lately, I've also been a crappy friend.

"I'm sorry," I offer. They're the first words I've spoken to him since I've walked inside. And again, I quickly realize he's going to misinterpret them. "No, not for…the fang thing. I can't seem to control when that happens yet. For being so self-absorbed lately that I didn't check in with you. For being so wrapped up in how well _I_ wasn't doing that I failed to ask how _you're_ doing."

I take a deep swig from my glass and can't help but grimace as it coats my throat and ignites its way down to my belly. The intensity of the liquor is a welcome distraction at the moment. Relishing the burn, I drop myself onto the leather couch in front of the fireplace.

Damon tentatively sits down beside me, but keeps his body as far away from mine as possible, rather than his usual way-too-close-for comfort approach. Which, for once, I'd actually be completely fine with.

"Apology accepted, but there was no need for one. You've had your own shit going on lately. I wouldn't expect you to think about me."

"Cause no one ever does?" I ask softly.

He raises his eyes to meet mine and I see a startled expression flicker across his features, just for a moment.

"Something like that," he admits. "So, why are you here, Elena? I doubt it's to delve into my fucked-up psyche. That wouldn't be a pleasant journey, let me tell you."

I laugh. Now my mood has switched from nervousness to abject lust to sadness to amusement, all in the space of about five minutes. Will I ever get used to this emotional roller coaster? It's hard to imagine I ever could.

It's sharing time. I take a deep breath. "I know you know that I've remembered the compulsions," I begin, and he nods, holding my gaze. "What you probably don't know is that there were a lot more than just yours."

His eyes widen slightly. I knew he wouldn't know about Isobel's but I wasn't sure about Stefan's. I'm relieved to see that he wasn't protecting his brother and keeping those from me.

"Tell me," he demands, as if I wouldn't have anyway. He looks grim and I can tell he's afraid he's going to have to kill his brother for what I'm about to reveal.

I angle my body toward him as I draw up one knee to my chin, and I tell him every missing memory that's returned to me. All of them. Leaving out no details. He just listens, nodding occasionally, without comment. At one point he rests a hand, palm down, on top of my own along the back of the couch. He gives my fingers a squeeze every now and then. It doesn't make me uneasy at all. In fact, it's actually quite comforting. And I understand that this is exactly what Damon has come to mean to me now. Comfort. Reassurance. Strength.

And something else.

But I'm not quite ready to go _there_ yet, so I squash it back down as fast as it pops into my head.

"Is that everything?" he interrupts my thoughts, and I start a little, distracted as I am by the realizations I've just had.

"I…I don't know," I stutter. "I think so."

"Well, that explains why you've been playing hermit all week." He looks at me with such understanding on his face that it makes me wonder if he was being completely truthful when he'd claimed that Katherine hadn't compelled him. I believe what he'd actually said was that she hadn't compelled him to love her. But…perhaps she compelled him about other things he won't admit to? It makes sense. That manipulative little bitch, messing with my boys' emotions and played them off each other like that. I could kill her for what she did to him. To them, I mean.

"Has your mind been able to successfully re-write everything in order now?" he asks gently, squeezing my hand again.

I think about that carefully before I answer. The pieces are starting to fall into their correct places; it's true. But I don't know if the puzzle is complete yet. More and more it's starting to feel like it is, but I'm not certain.

"I'm working on it," I reply.

Suddenly, Damon pulls his hand away from mine and stands up abruptly. Before I can wonder why, I hear the front door open and Stefan steps into the library, staring curiously at us.

"Elena! I'm so glad to see you!" He smiles and walks toward me.

Damon clears his throat and heads for the front hallway. "I'll let you two catch up. Nice to see you, Elena." With that, he's gone and I'm left feeling confused, something I'm all too familiar with.

Stefan sits down in the burgundy wing chair adjacent to me. Resting his elbows on his knees, he leans toward me and asks how I'm doing. He tells me how worried he's been about me.

"You have nothing to worry about," I reply, a slight edge to my voice.

And then that weird shifting sensation occurs and that queasy feeling in my gut descends again, as the two of us are suddenly in a dimly-lit part of the Grill, instead of the warm glow of the library. Stefan smells strongly of smoke and it only takes me a second to realize that this is the conversation we had after he rescued Damon from the burning basement on Founder's Day, almost a year ago. The conversation when I had reassured him over and over that I loved him and only him.

I brace myself mentally for what's coming.

_Stefan asks if he can see my necklace for a moment, and, although I know I'm not wearing it, I feel my fingers reaching back behind my neck to undo the clasp and hand it over to him. His fingers begin to sizzle and he drops it quickly on top of the bar._

"_Elena, look at me," he says softly, staring intently at me._

"_I am looking at you."_

"_No, look at me. Really look at me." I watch his pupils dilate and, as before, I can't look away. "Damon is not a good person. You may think you see good in him, but you're being deceived. It's all an act. Everything he does, he does to benefit himself. He's just like Katherine. Maybe he cares about you now, but he gets bored easily. It won't last. And you'll get hurt."_

_He takes a deep breath and hesitates for a second. Only a second. Then he continues, "You love me, only me, Elena, and you will only ever love me. You're such a good person. You're just not capable of falling for Damon. You care about him as a friend, but it will always only be me that you love. Understand?"_

"_I'll only ever love you, Stefan," I assure him again, feeling my lips stretch into a smile before I lean over to kiss him softly. "It will always be you, for me."_

"_That's my girl," He grins that tight lipped grin that the version of me helplessly watching this scene unfold is starting to really not like very much anymore. "Now I'm going to put your necklace back on and you're going to forget the conversation that we've had since you handed it to me. But deep down you'll know what I told you is true."_

"_I'm going to forget our conversation."_

Then I blink and I'm back in the library with Stefan and he's staring at me with a perplexed expression. At first I'm too furious to even speak.

"What just happened, Elena? You went into a trance or something for a minute there and didn't seem to be hearing me. Should I call Bonnie?" he asks.

"You! You!" I sputter, unable to get the words out that I need to say. I stop and take a breath. "You _compelled_ me, Stefan! Over and over. You must have known I'd remember them! How do you _think_ I'm doing right now? You messed with my mind! You messed with my feelings. You made me… God! You made me believe things that weren't real and be blind to things that should have been obvious. How could you do that to me, Stefan? How _could_ you?"

"Elena," he begins, a panicky look in his eyes as he realizes just what I'm referring to.

"No, no more! No more. The things you made me believe about Damon? The lies? How could you think that was okay? And I can't…I can't understand how you could be so insecure about me that you felt you had to compel me to not fall for him! What does that say about what we had? It says you never trusted me – that's what it says." I stand up and smack him hard across the face. He actually flies into the wall, knocking several books to the floor with the impact. In my rage, I want nothing more than to beat the crap out of him right now, but I force myself to stand still and take several calming breaths.

When I feel like I can speak to him rationally again, I say in an icy tone, "You and I, Stefan? We're done. For good. There's no going back anymore."

And with that I speed out of the room and out of the house, slamming the front door behind me loudly as I go.

* * *

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	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I've been looking for Damon for over an hour now, and I can't find him anywhere. I checked the Grill, I checked Alaric's old apartment, I checked the cemetery, I even went back and, not wanting to run into Stefan, stealthily checked the boarding house, in case he'd returned while I was out searching. No sign of him anywhere. Finally I give up in frustration for the night and head for home.

When I pull onto my street, I break into a sudden grin as I see his blue Camaro parked by the curb. Of course, the one place I didn't check: my own house.

From the front hallway I hear the unmistakably violent sounds of 'Call of Duty' – don't ask me which version – coming from the living room and the aggressive teasing as Damon mocks Jeremy for missing something or another, again.

The smile on my face stretches even wider. The only thing missing from the normal family picture I'm presented with as I step into the doorway of the room is that Ric's not sitting there with them. Although, come to think of it, he might very well be on the end of the couch right now, laughing away at them, and only my brother would know.

"Hey, Elena," Jeremy greets me, without taking his eyes off the screen. Damon waves a hand in the air in my general direction. I get it - they're busy.

Heading upstairs, I pause at the top of the steps and quietly say, "Damon, come up and see me before you go, please." I know he can hear me, even as distracted as he is right now. Some part of him is always attuned to me.

I grab my pajamas and enter the bathroom to shower. As the steaming water pulses against the tight muscles on the back of my neck, I go over all the compulsions and what new insights they've given me.

Isobel told me that Stefan wasn't really mine, that he only saw me as a human replacement for Katherine. I'm not sure if I fully believe that or not, but more and more it seems like it might have been true at one point. I do know that he believes he loves me. And doesn't that very belief make it real? She also told me the truth about Katherine's lack of feelings for Damon, which we learned later from Anna anyway. And that when Damon loves, he loves with everything in him, unconditionally, something I'm understanding more and more.

The first few times Stefan compelled me were just strange. I'm not sure why he decided each meeting wasn't the 'right time' yet. The fact that he was stalking me for so long before he met me for real that day in school is totally creepy, though. He 'met me' so many times and each time if I acted even a little bit suspicious of him or if the conversation didn't go exactly the way he wanted, he'd erase it and try again later. Our whole relationship was built on a foundation of lies. I see that so clearly now.

And that last time, when Stefan made me believe that Damon wasn't capable of being a good person, that everything he did was just an act for his own amusement or benefit, I actually learned more about Stefan, himself. He was so insecure about our relationship, so afraid of having to share me with his brother like he'd been forced to share Katherine, that he actually felt he needed to compel me to love him and only him, forever. And to not be able to ever really fall for Damon. Stefan's bitterness and jealousy, his determination that I believe Damon is 'bad' and he is 'good', well I see now how it shaped my words, my actions and my decisions right up until the moment I died.

As for Damon's compulsions, well the first one still confuses me a bit. I don't really understand why he reacted to me the way he did, why he told me he hoped I'd get everything I'm looking for. Maybe he doesn't know why, either. It just happened. Two strangers had a moment. He revealed a bit more of himself than he'd meant to, and he took the moment back.

But the second time, when he told me he loved me and that he didn't deserve me but Stefan did - that memory I just can't get past. I've been playing it over in my mind like a YouTube video. He said he wished I didn't have to forget it, and God, in hindsight I really wish that, too. It wouldn't have changed anything at the time, I don't think. But later, when Damon and I grew closer, well then I think my knowledge of that moment could have changed a lot of things about how I dealt with my shifting and complicated emotions for him.

The way I treated him, the times I took advantage of, or worse, completely disregarded his feelings for me – all those moments might have been different if I'd had that memory to fall back on. I thought I was beginning to understand Damon, but now I realize that I never did. In many ways, I still don't.

But I want to. I need to.

As I step out of the shower and reach for a towel, I catch sight of the shadow of my reflection through the fogged mirror. I push open the door with one hand and the fog starts to slowly fade away. By the time I'm dry and in my pajamas, it's gone completely.

I stare at myself and I realize that the girl looking back at me has cut through some pretty thick fog of her own. Finally.

I'm in love with Damon.

Holy shit.

* * *

The words on the page in front of me blur and come back into crisp focus, blur and come back into focus. I've been staring at the same paragraph in my book for at least fifteen minutes now, trying to concentrate on the plot and having zero success.

All I can think about is what I need to say to Damon.

Then I hear voices down in the entranceway and the closing of the front door as someone leaves. No! He has to come see me first!

Flying up and off my bed, I'm nearly at my bedroom door, intending to call him back, when it opens and he's standing there staring curiously at me, and then…then I lose my train of thought entirely and my intentions fall out the window, because I've thrown my arms around his neck and I'm kissing him and he's kissing me and…oh, God, I feel like I've waited so damn long for this.

All too soon he's gently pushing me away by the shoulders and looking into my eyes. "Not that I don't appreciate the enthusiastic greeting – cause I really do – but some annoying part of me has to ask. What's going on, Elena?"

"I…I need to…" I can barely make my brain focus enough to form words right now. "Please sit down, Damon. There's more stuff you should know."

He plops himself down onto my bed and I sit cross-legged and face him. He's looking at me expectantly, hair all messy and sexy from my fingers, and I have to force myself to really concentrate on what I want to say to stop from diving right back into him again.

I explain about the final compelled memory I got back after he left the boarding house earlier. His jaw hardens and his fingers grip my comforter tightly as he listens to me relate what Stefan said to me that night.

"Oh, he's _so_ gonna regret he ever laid eyes on you when I'm done with him," Damon seethes, and I reach out to grab his arm. His tension seems to relax a bit at my touch.

"There's more."

"More compulsions? You're kidding me, right?"

I purse my lips and pull my hand back, clasping them in my lap and looking down at them. "No, no more of those, thank God. I think I have all of the memories back now."

"Then what is it?" he asks me softly, reaching over to squeeze my twisting fingers in his.

"I've been thinking about what all these revelations mean, what they say about each person who compelled me and how things might have been different if I'd had those memories to help shape my decisions."

I look up and meet Damon's clear blue eyes. "I'd like to think that I would have been kinder to you, more understanding of you, if I'd known then what I do now. I'm sorry for what I did to you, and what I said to you, at the Ball. And after that. For weeks after that. I think maybe Stefan's compulsion was forcing me to suppress my true feelings."

"But that's over now," I promise him. "I always felt so incomplete before, and I never really understood why. I blamed it on losing my parents, and Jenna, and then nearly losing Stefan, too. Something was missing. Turns out many things were missing."

I smile tentatively at him. He's looking at me with a very serious expression that I can't read.

"How do you feel now, Elena?"

I take a deep breath. Here we go. Time to be brave. "There's still one thing I need."

"What's that?" Do I detect a tiny note of nervousness in his voice?

"You, Damon. I need you. I'm madly, deeply, fully, completely in love with you," I'm smiling and yet I think I've started to cry a little bit, too.

He's just staring at me. Why isn't he responding? Or doing something. Like kissing me, for example. That'd be a great place to start.

Finally I can't stand the suspense any longer. "Aren't you gonna say anything? Am I way too late?"

Then his hands are framing my face and he's wiping away the moisture from my cheeks. "I was just memorizing the moment, trying to hold onto it for as long as I can, so when I wake up in my own bed in a second and realize none of this was real, I'll remember."

I lean forward and quickly press my lips against his. "It's real, Damon. I love you."

"It's real?" His words are full of childlike wonder and that indelible need to believe, even though the real world teaches you things like Santa and the Easter Bunny don't exist, and that wishes don't come true.

"It's real," I assure him, and he's smiling wider than I've ever seen him smile before. "Would you please just kiss me already?"

And he does. Gently at first, soft and warm and tender and I part my lips for him, encouraging him. His hands stroke down the sides of my face as my own pull him closer to me and glide along the lean, tight muscles of his back.

Before long, our kisses deepen and intensify and his hands find their way down to the hem of my pajama top and slide underneath, tracing my spine all the way back up to my neck. Everywhere his fingers touch my bare skin, a trail ignites in their wake. I'm on fire for him, not just deep in the pit of my belly, but all over. Everywhere. I need him like I've never needed anyone or anything. More than sleep, more than blood, more than oxygen. There is no part of my existence that doesn't want him.

Then he pulls away from me and I can't help but moan at the loss of his touch as he tugs my shirt up and over my head. I don't know where it ends up, and I really don't care. He rolls me onto my back and his weight presses down on me as he begins to kiss a electrifying trail along my neck to my collarbone, nipping lightly at my skin with his blunt teeth as he goes.

"Damon!" I gasp, and he looks up to lock eyes with mine. "Is Jeremy…?"

"Gone," he murmurs with a smirk and goes right back to what he was doing. Gone? I can barely think straight right now. Gone? Oh, right, to Matt's. For safety reasons. Good. At least for tonight, it's good. Damon's lips have found their way to one of my nipples and I can't stifle my sounds of pleasure at the incredible sensations he's creating. I could not be happier that my brother is not in this house tonight.

Too many clothes. He has way too many clothes on. I need to get them off of him. But that would mean moving his mouth away from my breasts. Okay, scratch that. I can wait. My God, that boy has a talented tongue. My muscles tense up all over as I suddenly imagine what other mind-blowing things he could do with it.

One of his hands is exploring the soft skin of my lower abdomen. I hold my breath as he slips it below the waistband of my pajama bottoms and strokes lightly over my thin cotton underwear. Please…just please. Don't stop.

He does stop, though, and raises his eyes to mine again, chuckling. "Breathe, Elena." Then his hand dips under my panties.

Things kind of blur for a bit at this point. I know his mouth moves up to my lips again. I know somehow he manages to remove the rest of my clothing, and his own. That bit happens so fast I barely have time to register it before his fully naked body is pressed against mine.

Damon's hands glide down my face, my hair, my arms, my lower back. They caress my hips and squeeze the flesh along the backs of my legs as he kisses me passionately. I can feel the hardness of him pressed against my inner thigh. And I want him. God, do I want him. My love for him is overwhelming me and I need to show him just how much I desire him.

Parting my legs, I bring my knees up and cross my ankles over his tightly muscled butt so he's cradled between my thighs. "Now, Damon. I need you inside me now." I don't even care if it sounds like begging. This needs to happen.

His hands still on my body and he stares intensely at me. The expression on his face says many things, lust chiefly, but his eyes…his eyes are full of the most incredible awe. He is so beautiful and he looks at me like I'm the only one in his entire world. I cannot believe I never truly noticed this before.

Then he's pushing into me, filling me up, stretching me and completing me. And that's the exact moment when I truly understand what Damon and I, together, really means. We're two halves of the same whole, incomplete without the other.

It took us so long to get to this point. So much strain and tension, pain and anger. So much heartbreak. But it's all worth it for this moment. When we lock gazes with each other as he moves within me, time just stops.

I had thought my first time making love as a vampire would be different. I assumed it would be more frenzied and wild and rough and physical. And I'm sure it can be all those things and will be all those things and much, much more. But right now, we are none of those things. We kiss gently; we touch each other reverently; we move in tandem. The time will come for wild abandon and hot vamp sex against every surface, I know it will, and soon. But now is not that time.

And for a long time, a very long time, we keep up the unhurried pace. I don't know how he can stand it, because I'm nearly about to lose my mind. He brings me so close to the edge, time and time again, and then backs off. My sensitivity levels have shot up off the charts and I come to a sudden decision that it's time for me to take control.

Flipping Damon under me in one fast movement, I straddle his body and feel my fangs erupt as I start to swivel my hips harder and faster down onto him. He growls – literally growls – in approval and it's got to be the most erotic sound I've ever heard in my life.

And that's all it takes. He grabs my hips, fingers digging into my flesh, and holds me in place while he begins thrusting upward powerfully. Oh God. So close now. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and moan his name.

"Come for me, Elena," he demands breathlessly, and, mere seconds later, my orgasm rolls over me. My whole body shivers and convulses around him and I collapse onto his glistening chest, panting for air as I cling to him. But he's not quite done yet. He rolls me back over and presses the entire length of his body against me as he shortens his strokes, drawing closer to his own release. I can hear his breath quicken and I know he's nearly there.

He slams into me hard now, so fast I can hardly register each movement, and then he's groaning into the curve of my neck as, with a couple more shallow thrusts, he finishes with a loud gasp. Rolling to one side, he pulls me with him, so we're facing each other on our sides on my bed, still intimately connected, as much skin touching each other as is possible.

"That was…" I start, but he interrupts me.

"Incredible? Mind blowing? Utterly amazing? When I hit the right one just make that sound again – you know, the one you just made a minute ago? I think it went something like…"

I flush and quickly stop him with a hand over his mouth. "Do you really have to ruin such a perfect moment?" I ask him reproachfully.

He tugs my hand away and gives me a quick kiss. "Don't you get it, Elena? We can have as many perfect moments as we want now. It's all up to you. You know I'm yours. You can have me forever, if you want me." The teasing gleam is suddenly gone from his eyes.

"I do," I reply softly. "I want you forever."

"Forever," he agrees. Then he captures my lips again and time ceases to matter at all.

** -FIN -  
**

* * *

**A/N** _Short, but sweet, I know. Hope you guys all liked? The best possible way to thank me or any other writer on here is to let them know by leaving a review below please. Thanks to every single one of you that has left a review or favourited or recommended any of my stories to anyone else. Extra HUGE thanks to morvamp, who betaed this fic.  
_

_You can also follow me on tumblr and twitter: _elvishgrrl


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